at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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