Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
