I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
