Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
