if you like me you must not know who I am
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
