I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
