You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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