Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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