My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
