I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize