Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
