Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
