I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
