somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
