He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
