Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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