I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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