You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
