Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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