i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize