so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
