In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Randomize
