you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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