I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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