Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize