FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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