Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
