walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
