I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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