this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize