Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
