I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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