Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
why do cheetos always look like penises
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
