Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
