btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
