While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize