He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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