i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
