What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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