Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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