you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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