there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
