quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
