The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
How's work?
Spinning.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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