he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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