I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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