I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
