Need sex. Gaining weight.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
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