Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
