WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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