It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
