Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
