There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
