so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
