Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
