Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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