My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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